


Even Judas Gave Jesus a Kiss

by Daiya_Darko



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-14
Updated: 2013-06-14
Packaged: 2017-12-14 22:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/842312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daiya_Darko/pseuds/Daiya_Darko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard gets introspective about his friendship with Jim. It's not what it was before, but maybe that's his fault. Maybe everything is, as usual. Sometimes Bones hears a voice of reason telling him, "get out now before it's too late" but then Jim's right there whispering in his ear how crazy he is and how much he needs Jim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even Judas Gave Jesus a Kiss

I don't wish that you were here now  
I don't want those old times back  
I never wish that somehow  
We could change it back, 'cause it's all been tainted black  
Well you know I ain't no christian  
Though I got nothing against them  
I wish it was true  
So don't think you're forgiven  
And please don't think we're friends

 - "Even Judas Gave Jesus a Kiss" by !!!

* * *

 

The cold of the ship was something Leonard figured he'd get used to, and he did at first. That was before Nibiru, before Pike, before Khan.

Now he shivers from time to time, angry at the gray, short-sleeved scrubs he wears.

He knows it's not the cold that's getting to him, at least not the cold of the ship. It's the coldness in Jim's eyes when they fall on him, when they linger too long. It's the words he _won't_ say, not in front of others and doesn't try to say them in private. In private, he says other words, words that make Leonard want to hide his trembling just to maintain some level of control over the situation.

All he did was answer a question honestly. Why was that so bad?

_"Seriously Bones? 'He'd let you die?' I know you don't like the guy, but you'd leave him to his death?"_

_"Hell no, Jim! You know I wouldn't I said I was trying to save him, dammit!"_

_"Did you really want to save him or did you say that to please me?"_

_"To save him! I'm a doctor; saving people is part of my job!"_

It didn't go well. Leonard will admit he has a penchant for getting jealous, even irrationally (Pamela would say it's more than a penchant and definitely a personality trait), but he wouldn't condemn his first commanding officer to death. He wouldn't do it even if Spock had spit on his mother's grave.

And only then because Jim would beg Bones to forgive Spock. Not Leonard, but Bones. "Let it go, Bones," he would say. He'd say it with that  _voice,_ the one that tells Bones it's time to be quiet and go away.  _You're not needed here anymore; you're dismissed._

Things weren't the same after that. Leonard tried to show he still cared, was still there for him, but Jim had only reacted by snapping and barking orders, blowing him off to run head first into danger. Leonard tried to focus on other things, more important things than friendship and how much it hurt that Jim was pretty much putting himself right at the line of fire and attached to Spock's side.

That jealousy thing. Green's never been a good color on Leonard, and he hates looking at his own eyes in his reflection. They're green, like Spock's blood. Seeing anything even remotely like Spock in himself makes Leonard sick to his stomach, sick with hope.

Because maybe then Jim will like him more.

_"You know what I like about Spock? He's quiet when I need him to be; just lets me think and talk my problems out for myself without interrupting with criticism and questions." Jim smiles, takes a sip of coffee, and maintaining eye contact with Bones, waits for him to respond._

_Leonard would be complaining about how that's ridiculous and criticism and questioning are important to the problem solving process. Bones would grunt in affirmation and nod silently._

_Bones drinks his coffee and shivers and lowers his eyes._

He hates that he considers changing himself at all for Jim, who welcomed him with open arms at his lowest, most shameful point in life. Leonard won't lie if you ask him if he has a history of alcohol problems; drinking in the morning on a shuttlecraft to his new place of employment is not exactly healthy behavior. But Jim shared his flask, introduced himself, even offered some comfort (albeit dryly with a hint of sarcasm). Jim found him, dragged him out to study and socialize, and made an effort to maintain a friendship.

Maybe it was because they were both outcasts in their own ways: one shrouded in the legacy of his father and one shrouded in the infamy of his insecurities. One wore it with pride, and the other with shame.

Leonard knows Jim still cares on a basic level, doesn't realize the effect his words and actions have on him. When Jim pats his shoulders supportively right before they disembark on their five year mission, it sends a chill up Leonard's back. He wants to blame the cold, but he can't.

_"I should have you thrown in the brig and court martialed for insubordination, Bones. Do you know why I'm not?" Jim asks, staring him down with a tense, controlled ferocity Leonard can't place._

_Even though they're the same height, Leonard feels impossibly small underneath that glare. "No."_

_"Because I still care about you, Bones," And just like that, Jim's eyes water, his voice becoming cracked and choked. "I don't want to lose you. You're my only friend."_

_Leonard knows that's a lie, because Jim likes to throw it in his face how busy he is making friends with everyone but him. How much he loves hanging out with Spock and "isn't he just dreamy?" Bones always agrees, and Leonard drowns in his own vitriol._

_"I'm sorry, Jim. I won't do it again," Bones says, Leonard's lie. It's the only control Leonard has anymore._

_Jim pulls him into an embrace and sighs against his neck. Leonard fights the urge to tense and pull away, closes his eyes and lets Bones control the show._

_"I know you won't. You'd do anything for me, right?"_

_"Yes Jim, anything."_

_And Jim's lips are teasing against his skin, making Leonard crawl in his flesh. This isn't Jim; this isn't even Bones._

_This is something new, unnamed, and purely evil - he wonders how much of Khan was engrained into his DNA._

_"I've been really stressed out lately, Bones. I need a friend, someone I can trust."_

_"You can trust me."_

_"I know." Jim doesn't add, "Because you're mine. I own you. You will never leave my command unless you die, and you're not allowed to die without my permission," but Leonard can hear it, can feel it in the way Jim tugs at his lips with his teeth, too sharp and too insistent. Leonard is scared, but Bones is aroused, wants this, wants any part of Jim he is lucky enough to have._

Bones is supposed to be the captain's favored pet, the only one who can get away with blatant insubordination without punishment, but of course, they don't get to see the actual punishment. It leaves no scars, no visible marking of any type. Hell, Leonard's getting praised for it to the untrained eye. Leonard has decided that he isn't Bones anymore, doesn't want to be, but if Bones is who Jim likes and wants by his side, then Bones is who Leonard can be for the sake of maintaining some sort of normality in these precarious conditions. Nothing about what they have now is normal, however, and never will be. He's not happy being manipulated like this, not happy that he's so desperate to cling to something familiar that he'll grip until his fingers are bleeding and his hands are numb. Leonard wants out, wants to grab a hypo and fill it with an LD50 of something otherwise non-lethal and desert, but Bones wants to stay. Bones loves Jim and everything Jim has done for him. Jim is the reason any of them are still alive after the Nero incident. Jim is the reason they're here after Khan. Jim is their wonderful savior, exalted and almighty.

And for Leonard to expose his treachery now on the third day of his rising would make him no better than Judas - at least that's what Jim tells him, and Jim is never wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as an analysis of the change in dynamic between Jim and Bones in STID. I thought they were behaving strangely distant, and then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Bones is actually kinda emotionally dependent on Jim so he'd be hurt more if Jim behaved the way he did in STID. Then from there, my imagination took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up in abuse. Title from the song by !!! and while it was not inspiration for this fic, it is very fitting.


End file.
